Spoke Too Soon... :(

About a week ago I announced that we were expecting baby #3.  Now a week later, I'm sad to say that we lost the baby, I had a miscarriage.

The day after my "blog announcement" I had started to spot.  With every pregnancy I start spotting, and it's usually because of my Fibroid.  So again, I thought it's probably just my fibroid.  Then I noticed it wasn't letting up and it was becoming a little heavier.  I called my Dr's office on Friday morning, and they had me come in and do a blood draw to make sure there was enough HCG in my blood to do an ultrasound.  She later called and left a few messages stating that she set an ultrasound appointment for me on Monday (June 27, 2011) but to watch if the bleeding gets heavier, or if I start to soak more than one pad in an hour.  So I did just that, I watched.  

Friday night I got off work at about 11:30pm, slept at about 12am, woke up at 4am and headed to work at 430am.  I worked from 5am-130pm on Saturday, and the whole day was just so uncomfortable, I was cramping, but to me it wasn't anything new because I had cramped even more when I was pregnant with my first child. My mom had flown in that day from Hawaii, and we headed over to the Taylorsville Dayzz festivities.  It was such a good day, but for some reason the cramps only intensified, and I really didn't think anything of it.  I had invited some friends over and at around 930pm I started to cook dinner, and then we talked and hung out till about after midnight.  At one point I had to use the bathroom, and it felt like (excuse me if this it too much info for you... ) but it felt like I was constipated.  I was cramping and having a hard time, then all of a sudden I just felt something  slip out, and then my cramps went away.  At that time I didn't know that was the baby.  

Yesterday when we had gone to my ultrasound appointment, I knew something was wrong as soon as they started the ultrasound and she started asking me whether I've had positive pregnancy tests, and when my last menstrual period was.  The ultrasound took about 30-40 minutes, and as time passed I just noticed the girl kept pressing harder into my abdomen, as if she desperately wanted to find that baby for me.  They had us sit in the hall as they "discussed" with my Dr's office on what to do next, and then she told me that Jill (the nurse from my Dr's office) was on the phone.  Then Jill said, "I'm sorry Lani, this was an unsuccessful pregnancy."  I just about started to cry, and then I told her my incident in the bathroom on Saturday night, and she said that was probably it, that was the baby.  I did another blood test to confirm that the HCG levels in my blood were dropping, and it did. 

I'm still (kind of) in shock, I guess I'd never thought I'd go through a miscarriage.  But don't get me wrong, I understand miscarriages.  When something doesn't go right in the development of the baby, or something doesn't fit right, the body will reject it- because ultimately it wasn't forming or everything wasn't coming correctly together.  It's still hard for me to swallow, but I know we'll have many more opportunities for children in the future.  I'm grateful for my husband and his support for me, and especially for my two little ones that are here and alive and breathing.  I'm also thankful for such great friends and family who have given me words of encouragement, I love you all for that. Though I'm sad this happened, I'm continuing on, it's not the end of the world, but rather, you grow and you trust in the Lord that all will be ok.  

Oh the Emotional Roller coaster!

I don't know whether I can blame the pregnancy (just yet) or just myself for being soooooo emotional...

Yesterday I showed my little sister what a "flash mob" is, and pulled up the video of the black-eyed peas flash mob on Oprah's show and I about started to tear up, and then I told myself to toughen up, cause really.. why was I about to cry about that???

Now after reading a blog about a child passing away, I just about cried rivers.  I can't imagine that type of pain, and when I look at that child that passed away, I see my son.  Since my son was about 8 months old, he's had pneumonia twice, and a whole okole' load of ear infections.  I remember the day he was in the hospital (the first time)... I think I was a little in denial, but I knew everything would be ok.  So when he got pneumonia the 2nd time around (earlier this year in January) it was hard for us to see him lie in bed like that, but we both knew he'd be ok.  I remember having to leave him at the hospital with his dad, because Kesaia couldn't sleep overnight at the hospital.  I was so sad, but thank goodness for skype because I kept that on alllll night so that I could watch him sleep, but in reality it was the other way around... he watched me sleep all night. (lol)

We faced a similar happening (for lack of a better word) when Kesaia was born.  At around 38 weeks (?) pregnant you take a Strep B test (I think that's what it's called), and if it's positive it's fine, you'll just need to get in early enough to the hospital to take antibiotics, if it's negative then all is fine.  So after taking this test, my OB (at the time, not anymore) usually would call ONLY if the result was positive, so I never received a call and thought all was ok.  Morning of April 2nd comes and I start to feel contractions.  We didn't head to the hospital because 1. my contractions weren't close enough, nor were the consistent, and 2. because we were shopping for her that day (we didn't have ANYTHING).  So we shopped and I attempted to eat between contractions, and then we decided (it was about 5pm now) that we should get home and pack and go to the hospital.  We get to the hospital about 730pm, and my contractions were consistent, at about 2-3 minutes apart, maybe even closer.  So as I'm getting changed and into the bed they tell me that I was positive for that strep B.  I was shocked because I was NEVER told I was, and when you're positive they want to make sure you get at least 2 doses of the antibiotics, well I didn't get anything.  So on we went with the delivery, and an hour later Kesaia was born.  We thought everything was ok, until Sunday morning, as we were watching general conference a male pediatrician walks in (our pediatrician is female btw).. he turns the tv off (remember we were watching gen. conf. so I was like.. ummm.. hello!) and he tells us "mom, dad, we need to talk." He says that they tested Kesaia's blood, and it came back positive for bacteria in her blood, and they needed to do a spinal tap to test for meningitis.  In this moment I was stuck in disbelief, because everything seemed fine and dandy, and then he walks in with bad news for us.   He needed to do the test right away, and then we had to put her in the nursery, she couldn't stay with us in my room anymore.  Right away, my husband asked for some time as he tried to call for someone to come and help him give her a blessing.  He called a few people and none answered, right then the Dr. (remember he was a male, our usual pediatrician is a female)... The dr. then asked if we were LDS, and we said Yes. He then asked Fehi if he needed help giving her a blessing, and he said that he could help and that he had oil on hand.  I just about broke down into tears, and just knew that there was a reason for his presence that day.  They blessed our baby girl, and then he did a spinal tap (which I'm glad I wasn't there to witness).  We then spent the rest of the day with her in the nursery.  The hardest thing for me to do was leave her that night.  They said that she could possibly stay an extra 2 weeks (at least) in the hospital.  So as we left, I couldn't help but feel like she was going to be alright.  The next day I stayed at the hospital with her all day, so I could nurse her, and the nurses kept saying she's doing amazingly well for someone who "supposedly" was sick.  Usually they don't do well with feedings, and yet she did.  They also said that some of her blood tests were coming back clean, usually in illnesses the white blood count is high (indicating that the body is trying to fight off an infection) but her numbers were normal, and that she had a suspicion that maybe the blood test that they took initially was  contaminated somehow, but we wouldn't find out for sure until the results of the spinal tap came back.  So I left her once again that night, and the following morning we received a call from her pediatrician saying all the tests were negative, and to come and pick her up.

I bring up these experiences because nothing, and I mean nothing can replace the joys and blessings of motherhood, of being a parent.  I'm blessed, so so blessed, to have carried and brought these children to this earth.  As I was reading the blog of this parent that lost a child, I was reminded of how blessed and fortunate I am to have my children alive today.  I love them, and am excited to bring another life into this world.

Mommy loves you Baby Moe, Kesaia, and baby #3.  I will always cherish you and I promise to strive to do my best, to be a better mother to you.  Last but not least, I love you my Eternal Love, without you none of this would've been possible.

I love my family! :)

News...

So a few days after we had moved into our home here in Taylorsville, I had gone to the dollar tree to grab a few things, and one of those "few things" was a Pregnancy Test.  After having my daughter I had told my husband that I wanted to put in birth control, and 6 weeks later I did (I put in the IUD- Mirena).  Earlier this year me and Fehi started thinking about whether we wanted to try for another one.  At this time I was working at WIC, so every time a newborn baby would come I'd get "baby hungry", and then I'd want to to slap myself, because really who gets baby hungry with a 2 year-old and 1 year-old at home??? lol, (I do!) hahaha. Anyhow, there were reasons why I wanted to have another baby, and reasons why I didn't want to, and my main reason for not wanting to (as selfish as it sounds) is because I really didn't want to have to loose all that "baby fat" again (though, I feel like I've gained it all back since March anyways! :( boo! ) Long story, short, after I gave birth to my daughter (she was ONLY a month old) someone had asked me when I was due, and I about broke down, and the next day for a month my husband and I would walk 5 miles on the trail everyday.. and yeah, now I feel like I'm back at square one.. ugh.

Anywayz, got off track there, so back to the pregnancy thing.  I had decided that if we were going to have another child, I wanted to wait to take my IUD out when my daughter turns one.  Her birthday was April 2nd, and my appointment to take my IUD out was on the 9th (talk about great timing right) lol.  After taking it out, it was like I was playing the waiting game.  A few of my friends call me a "fertile beast", but I always was worried wondering if the IUD had messed me up or not.

When I took the pregnancy test the box clearly says "wait 3 minutes to read test, do not read after 10 minutes"... But my impatient self starred at it from the start thinking I'd get an immediate answer.  At first when it showed only one line, I was kind of bummed out (but this was only within 1 minute of starting the test lol)... So I sat there for like 30 seconds wondering why if the test was "negative" why I hadn't got my monthly "gift", and then all these possibilities started to run through my mind, ultimately I was blaming the IUD.  Then I basically was going to walk away (kind of dissapointed), until I read the box again and it said to wait 3 minutes.  So I sat there, and waited, and slowly but surely another line popped up....

So... I'm pregnant. I've told a few people (outside of my family).. I went and took a "confirmation" test at Pioneer Hospital (where they give free pregnancy tests) and it did come out positive it's settled more that we are having baby #3... I wasn't too sure about the first day of my lmp, but I gave them a good guess of what I think.. so we're looking at being about 6-7 weeks pregs right now, and due sometime in February of next year.  We're excited, but I know I definitely need to stay active this pregnancy.  It's funny though cause though I'm trying to exercise more (thanks EMZ) and I'm trying to eat better, it's not showing any difference in my weight. lol. Oh well, I'll still continue to go to EMZ as long as I can (I may have to relax on my dance moves haha), and hopefully this will be a good pregnancy! :)

We MOVED!

I know it's probably not new news for some of you, because I was more than ready to share my excitement on facebook. Lol. But I'll share my excitement, again! It's been 3 years, but I'm glad to say that we're finally on our own.  On Memorial Day my mom called and asked us if we would like to continue to pay the same amount of rent as we did as his parent's house, and pay utilities, and move to my Uncle Sake's house in Taylorsville.  The long story is that my grandparents earlier this year, came up and bought a house in Herriman.  My uncle Sake and his family then moved to that house, and for some time they were paying both mortgages on the Herriman house, and on the Taylorsville house.  He was going to sell the house in Taylorsville, but after discussing it with my mom, they decided that she could pay for the house, once it's paid off then it'll be her house.  And that's why she called us, to come and live in the house, pay part of the mortgage and utilities, and she'll pay the rest.  The following week, we painted on a Tuesday night, moved in on a Wednesday, and we've been in since.

Here's where we're at now... Don't mind the trash cans lol

I can't tell you how wonderful it feels, it was weird at first, because I kept thinking "really? we're never going back to that room again?" and I only say that because my husband and I agreed that once we move out, there's no going back, mainly because we more than likely won't get back our huge room we had there, and without that we really wouldn't fit half of our things in any other room.

Anyhow, I'm really grateful for my family for helping us.  My grandparents stayed an extra week to make sure we were moved in and we were ok, my grandpa made sure the water was running before he even stepped a foot out of the house. My Aunt Paea would drive from Saratoga Springs, pick up my grandparents in Herriman, and then drive to Taylorsville to help us.  She even came and brought her suburban and we packed most of our things in there because we were running back and forth in our little camry to move things.  I'm also grateful to our brother-in-law Tonga Katoa, because at the end of the day after fitting almost everything else in our little car, and in my Aunt's Suburban, the only thing we had left were our small fridge, huge bed, and couches.  Later on that night after work he helped my husband move those things, bringing them in his big Sears truck.

Two days later my mom and my little sister Ila flew up.  My mom wanted to make sure we were settled, and also she wanted to bring Ila, so she can stay with me for the summer and help out with the kids.  Saturday morning, we went to some garage sales and scored a day bed and futon for $60.00 (with mattresses included), and also a bunch of dishes along with some frying pans, and baking pans for $12.

Here's the day bed, I also bought the sheet and pillows from D.I. for I think $7
(I have yet to put the futon up, when I do, pics will be on it's way) 

They were also able to get a fridge for us for $100 (I think).  My uncle Sake gave us their old table, and they had only one chair, luckily I found 2 more chairs (exactly the same design, only different colors) and bought them both for only $5.

They gave us the white chair, and I bought the other two (green & brown) for $5 at a garage sale

I've been going to Savers and D.I. a lot lately, and I tell you, it can really get addicting looking at things for a house.  At Savers, as I was looking through the furniture area, which if you've been through it, there wasn't much to see, but tucked away in the corner under some other furniture I saw an end table ( I think that's what you call them), it was really nice, nice color also, the only thing wrong with it was some scratches on the top of the table, but for $5.99, I thought it was worth it!

The picture does a great job of covering the scratches on the table, but for $5.99, I thought that was a steal!

Anyhow, that's just a few pictures of the things we bought, I have yet to take more of the futon and day bed (next post).  It's been fun trying to find new things to furnish the house with, and it's funny cause now I wish I were that stay at home mom so I can enjoy the house, but it's ok... After the summer I'll get to do more work with it.  One thing I definitely want to do is have a bbq in our backyard.

Good sized deck, especially for entertaining! :) 

right side of the yard, don't mind the grass.. Mr. needs to cut it this weekend! lol

Left side of the yard

I Wanna Be a Millionaire.. So Frickin Bad...

Well kind of, not really. I could careless to be a millionaire, but how I wish things were different financially.  I mean, I look at my situation and then look at other people who are in much much worse situations, and that makes me realize that hey it's not so bad after all. BUT, still it sucks.  A couple months ago we decided to dedicate our tax return to paying off our credit card debt, and that's what we did! I was so happy, I mean who wouldn't be right? All we had to worry about was our rent, phone, car, and insurance, that's it. Then 2 trips to Hawaii came up (of which we used one credit card to pay for one of the trips- which was my uncle's wedding) and now I feel like I'm back in the hole, and I absolutely hate it.

However, I guess it could be worse right? We're never late on payments on anything, back in Feb. when we checked our credit scores, they were amazingly good, and on everything that showed up in our names all the history showed that we were never late, and never missed payments on any bills.  I guess I'm just getting a reality check (BIG reality check) that we need to recheck our spending habits.  We KNOW what we're suppose to do, but yet we do it half way, or don't fully commit.  I guess I have to admit that I feel most responsible for this because I was the first one to swipe our credit card (after we paid it all off- I know, naughty naughty!) and really my husband has allowed me to take care of the bills, but when it comes to eating out or getting things we never really stop each other from doing those things.  So I don't want to be a millionaire, but I do want to be debt free, and comfortable.  So though it'll hurt to have to pay credit card bills, once again, we have to face the consequences of our foolish spendings, and I've learned a great lesson and am already starting to budget things out, and realize that we're in no shape to be wanting more than what we actually need!

However, good news for today (as I made my usual $50 payment to my student loan at the University of Utah), my loan which started at $3,000+ is now at $900+ remaining on the balance.  This makes me SOOOOO happy, because now I feel like hey, if you used just one paycheck you could PAY THIS OFF! Though I highly doubt we'll do that, I'm just happy to know that we could kill this off in a couple of months, I might just up the $50 payments to pay it off quicker.

Also, in good news, we might be moving to Taylorsville.  All the details are still up in the air, but it's a possibility.  I hope *crossing my fingers* that everything works out and by the end of the month we are out. This is what has gotten me thinking about our finances, because we sat down, discussed where we're at and if we could afford to move out, and thankfully the answer is Yes. But there's still other people to talk to, and agreements to be made in order for this move to be finalized (more details to come later).

Also, to add, our kitchen (well the kitchen here at Fehi's parents house) has been in renovation for at least 1, maybe it's been 2 months now.  So for that amount of time there hasn't been a place to cook, and so we've had to get food else where (fast food, etc.) and quite frankly, I'm sick of eating out, and paying for it (it's REALLY expensive!)  So today I decided that we're going back to the basics, and we're going to try to cook something on this one burner (plug-in) that we have.  So for dinner I made us rice & hot dogs, with chili.  You really use your imagination when it comes to cooking on a single burner.  I cooked the rice, stuck the hot dogs over it and closed it, allowing the steam to cook the hot dogs once the rice was almost cooked.  Then I opened the cans of chili (which was alright) and just stuck that on the burner and let it warm it.  Wasn't the GREATEST meal ever, but it wasn't that bad at all and hey it only cost $2.72 to feed our family.   If we move to Taylorsville, this is what I'll be most excited for, to COOK my family a meal.  I can't wait!