Thinking of My Baby...

It's been quite some time since I've last blogged, so I hope to get back on it more regularly, especially since this really is the only journaling I do.  This morning I was looking through a friends pictures on FB and came across pictures of their family with their firstborn son, who was born at about 6 months (I believe) and he only survived a couple hours.  It made me think about my miscarriage and how would things have been if that little one survived.  I don't question that all things happen for a reason, and that there's a greater purpose but it reminds me of what I need to do to ensure I see him again.  I say "him" as if I knew the gender of the baby, but I didn't.

Back in April of this year I had the chance to see my sisters boyfriend, and our classmate, Michael Tuia leave on his mission to Detroit, Michigan.  He stopped by my house on the way to the MTC to give us some goodies my sister had sent for the kids.  We talked about all sorts of things, especially about the fact that my sister had gone through the temple and received her endowments just a few weeks before Mike left on his mission.   Mike then asked me if I've talked to my sister yet, and I said No.  Then he said, well talk to her and ask her about her dreams.  And I tried to ask what he meant, but he said "I think you should just ask her." After he left I got on the phone and called my sister about these 'dreams'.  She started by telling me that when she was preparing to go through the temple, even after entering, she would have these dreams.  One dream in particular she had was meeting this man, he introduced himself to her and in the distance there was a lady who introduced herself as well.  You could tell they were married, but they didn't act like they were in her dream.  My sister later told my grandma about this dream, and my grandma knew exactly what to do.   She researched our family history and found who these two people were.  They were relatives of my grandmother, who were married, but no work was done for either one of them and they were never sealed.  I was in awe, and explained to my sister about how wonderful it is to have such a gift.

Later my sister said she also had another dream.  She said she had been meaning to tell me about it.  She had dreamt that we were all in Hawaii (of course.. cause all my dreams start that way too) and that there was a baby there.  He looked exactly like baby Moe (my oldest son) but he was chubbier and had long curly hair.  And at first I was like "Ok so are you seeing my future baby??".  Then she said that in the dream she kept feeling like this baby was the "third" but she knew it wasn't my son Hinckley because the baby didn't look like him.  And then my sister said "Lani I think this is the baby from your miscarriage." And as soon as she said that I felt this feeling of calmness overcome me, and the spirit confirmed that yes he's your baby from the miscarriage.  We both started crying, and I just couldn't believe it.  I told her it all made sense to me.  My sister is an awesome aunt to my kids, my kids though they don't see her a lot, know who she is and that she spoils them like crazy.  I explained, that maybe the reason why baby came to her was because he wanted to make sure she didn't forget about him, and that we didn't forget about him too.

So yes, I do believe that my baby that I miscarried was a boy.  I will always and forever cherish this gift my sister shared with us.  At that time in my life, I was content.  I was content in not really attending my church meetings often because of work, I was content in not having a current temple recommend.  Granted, I wasn't doing anything super bad, but I wasn't doing the things I needed to be doing.  So when my sister shared this about my sweet little baby, I couldn't help but feel like he was sending us a message to "shape up!" because he's still there, and not to forget about him.  Months later, I've renewed my recommend (yay!!) and we attend the temple and church regularly.  Mommy never will and never has forgot about you baby boy, and thank you for being that constant reminder of what we need to do so we can finally meet your sweet face.